There are wild men and then there are complete maniacs. This dude? He’s falling into the category of “complete maniacs.”

An Austin man is looking for a “FEMALE HBIC” (which means Head Bitch In Charge, for the less cultured) to run his Lake Travis house that his boys rent for $1,000/month each. If the all caps in his Craigslist ad don’t signal enough that this guy doesn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything, the content of it will.

Per Craigslist:

FREE RENT BADASS WATERFRONT FEMALE HBIC SOCIALIZE ORGANIZE PRIORITIZE

FEMALE HBIC WANTED - BABYSIT 4 BACHELORS COOK, KEEP COMMON AREAS OF HOUSE AND MY ROOM CLEAN AND ORGANIZED - WINGMAN, CHAUFER LOOK AFTER LUKE THE BOAT DOG, BADASS PLACE TO STAY, CAR AND SOME $ - HAVE MY BACK - ILL HAVE URS - NO SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS - NO ONE OVERRIDES U BUT ME - U R #1 - NO ADDICTIVE, ASSHOLE OR OTHERWISE FUCKED UP PERSONALITIES - MY ROOMMATES PAY A GRAND A MONTH TO LIVE HERE AND PRINCESSES AND SUGAR BABIES DONT COOK OR CLEAN - NEED SOMEONE REAL - I’ve got Lawyers, Hired Guns and Money, if ur on my team - ur comped - reply with pic by private txt

What girl wouldn’t want to babysit four bachelors and look after Luke, the boat dog, for a place to stay in addition to some cash and a car? And there are no sexual expectations? What an absolute steal.

He goes on to list the amenities of this bro palace and all of the sudden my life feels like the human equivalent of watching the LPGA Tour.

private loft bed or share LARGE LAKEVIEW private room WITH GINORMOUS private bath IN FLOOR 3 PERSON JACUZZI AND HIGH CEILINGS FULLY FURNISHED INCL TV AND BAD ASS SOUNDS
NET FLICKS PANDORA ETC
4 PERSON PARTY TUB WITH 2 POLES
PRIVATE GATED 30 ACRE SANDY BEACH (RECENTLY SWALLOWED BY LAKE)
STRIPPER POLE AND STAGE
GOLF COURSE W/ $25 GREEN FEES INCL CART
TENNIS
FULL GYM AND OLYMPIC POOL WALKING DISTANCE
FULL BLOWN SPORTS BAR
420/MOLLY/LUCY LOUNGE WITH LIGHT SHOW
3 FLAVOR MARG MACHINE
OUTDOOR POOL TABLE
FOOSBALL
AIR HOCKEY
BLACK JACK/POKER
DEER THAT EAT FROM HAND
7 SOUND SYSTEMS
12 TVs
DIGISTREAM - 1000PLUS FREE EVERYTHING PAY PER VIEW MOVIES IN THEATERS PORN ETC
IN FLOOR JACUZZIS
HOT TUB
BOATS
JET SKIS
PRIVATE LIMO
FULL BAR
OUTSIDE KITCHEN W/ 3 KEGER
SLOT MACHINES / VIDEO POKER
WALKING DISTANCE TO LIVE MUSIC AND THE ONLY FLOATING BAR /RESTAURANT ON TRAVIS

Badass TV sounds? “Net Flicks?” Four person party tub with two poles? A 420/Molly/Lucy Lounge with an accompanying light show? A three flavor margarita machine?! It’s like I’ve died and gone to a heaven sponsored by Kid Rock and John Daly. I mean, this dude is completely mental and I mean that in the way British people use it.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, photos surfaced of this party mansion. Boy oh boy, they did not disappoint. Below are what are considered “Safe For Work,” but the Craigslist ad itself is stacked with NSFW photos (the hot tub photo especially) that will haunt your dreams.

That must be Luke, also known as “Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

That’s a 420/Molly/Lucy lounge if I’ve ever seen one.

I don’t even want to know what happens in that three-man jacuzzi. Oh wait, yes, I do.

Nothing screams “I study feng shui” quite like a “Keep Calm And Party On” flag and a zebra print blanket over what appears to be a mini fridge.

That stripper pole is at least 25-feet tall. How she got that high, no one will ever know.

If you’re interested, I highly suggest applying for this can’t miss opportunity. It’s once in a lifetime. .

[via Craigslist]