You know those old clips of Charlie Steiner struggling to read SportsCenter highlights because the news is so damn ridiculous? That’s what I felt like when I was writing this.
There’s a serial pooper on the loose in Ohio. Yep, you heard it right. Serial pooper. Just running wild in Akron, Ohio, defecating on innocent people’s cars, toys and anything he can spread his cheeks over in the quiet, peaceful Castle Homes neighborhood.
From Ohio.com (Please click this link and look at the picture of the alleged pooper):
According to Kenmore resident Steve Motich, an unknown man has been slinking around the Castle Homes neighborhood for years, periodically unloading on everything from cars to children’s toys.
Akron police confirm that assertion, saying they have taken 19 reports dating back to May 2012.
One neighborhood woman says her vehicle has been pooped on three times over four years. Another says she had to throw away two outdoor children’s toys. Another says she has seen his handiwork on park slides.
19 counts of poop banditing. One woman has had her car shat on three times. Can you imagine finding human poo on your car, not once, not twice, but three whole times? Just pack it in and take the bus after that. Ain’t worth it.
The alleged mud monkey marauder commits the act between 3:30 and 3:50 in the morning.
If the Akron police department needs help catching this crook, I know just the guy for the job:
[via Ohio.com]
Image via YouTube
I feel everyone at Grandex has a Google alert for anything mentioning poop.
This kind of makes sense to me. Kenmore is probably the crappiest part of Akron. Surprised the Kenmorons even noticed a little extra poop on the ground.
Does he wipe? If so, where does he discard of his used TP? Does he have a vendetta against this neighborhood woman? Why is he consistently awake around 3:30-3:50, whereas I can’t stay up after 11:30? These are hard hitting questions we need answered.
Does he read a magazine?
“Edwards said the department planned to send out a detective to ‘sniff this out.'”
And I thought I had a shitty job
clicking that link did not disappoint.
What a shitty situation
He should stop eating All-Bran. He’s a cereal pooper.