- Getting blackout drunk at an afternoon minor league baseball game and screaming “SO GOOD. SO GOOD.” into the face of the father of four sitting next to you while “Sweet Caroline” plays softly in the background.
- “Well, if there can be a black student union…I’m just saying! It seems unfair.”
- Dad dancing.
- Mom jeans.
- Hawaiian shirts at the airport.
- “It’s cool. I have a friend who is black/Asian/from Miami.”
- Referring to Taylor Swift as “TSwift.”
- FUND the police.
- Never entering certain parts of town. Also see: referring to someone as being “from the wrong side of the tracks.”
- Despite the outbreak of HIV/AIDS, vicious drug crimes, an economic crisis, and a horrific oil spill, really, really, loving the 80s.
- “No offense.”
- Starting a blog about running a 5k.
- Referring to other cultures’ names as “made up” but seeing nothing wrong with calling a child “Paisley” or “Lakelynn.”
- Barn weddings featuring mason jars, cowboy boots, and a rabbi.
- Chasing Ambien with white wine purchased from Target.
- The “Rachel” haircut. Even 20 years later.
- “White people were slaves, too! Like. Probably. At some point in history. I don’t really know.”
- Being either a Jackie or a Marilyn.
- Charging a Diet Coke from McDonalds to an Amex “for the points.”
- “Shabby chic” decor.
- Halo engagement rings that turn .5 carats into glittery ring pops.
- Having absolutely no idea what gluten is — and still not eating it.
- “My therapist said…”
- Referring to “the good old days” despite never having lived in them.
- Posting anti-vaccine statuses to Facebook because Jenny McCarthy said they were bad.
- Really sympathizing with Jennifer Aniston.
- Going into debt because of Whole Foods and Lululemon.
- “Yo quiero the chicken enchiladas with pinto beans and a side of guacamole — yes, I know it’s extra — por favor.”
- Catch and release fishing.
- Claiming that the ’08 election was a gloriously historic day for America — despite having voted for McCain.
- Locking the car windows while pretending to talk on the phone whenever a homeless person walks by.
- Marrying your high school sweetheart in an elaborate, Pinterest-inspired wedding.
- “I would die in prison.”
- Requesting to speak to the manager.
- Extreme couponing, not out of necessity, but because there is nothing else to do. TLC just made it look so interesting and fun.
- Not knowing the true definition of the word “ghetto.”
- Pulling out a tip calculator and leaving exactly 20%. Not a penny more.
- Hating the idea of universal healthcare and then complaining about insurance deductibles.
- Saying it was homemade when it was really from a box.
- Black and white Christmas cards featuring a beach, blue jeans, and white oxfords.
- Being a xenophobe.
- Thinking that moving to the suburbs will fix a marriage. Same goes for kids.
- Signing up for “word of the day” emails in order to appear smarter.
- “He/she is attractive for an [insert minority here].”
- Greek letter tattoos.
- Venti quad four pump hazelnut quarter inch inch steamed breve Americano.
- “USA” chants.
Image via Facebook
Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I just believe America is the best country and all other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.
Kenny fucking powers.
“Claiming that the ’08 election was a gloriously historic day for America —”…Gloriously horrific day.
48. Thinking you’re funny when you’re not. 49. Gaining weight, but still thinking you’re attractive. 50. Doing lists to impress liberals.
She’s the grandex version of a ninja pledge. She slipped through the cracks while no one noticed and didn’t show her true colors until it was too late to do anything about it. HR nightmare.
>Doing lists to impress liberals.
What does this even mean?
Liberals live for lists, just look at Buzzfeed.
Well this site churns out lists like nobody’s business but it certainly doesn’t cater to liberals so….
I feel like this girl must be sleeping her way to the top of grandex because her articles continue to be posted while mine are blackballed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpy7UWuWg3Q
:16
Yep. That’s it.
I know it’s meaningless but I want you to know that I genuinely think you’re a mediocre writer at best.
48. Pulling a Romney and adopting a token black child.
I guess you would rather that black child grow up on the streets than with a great family and be given an education. Modern day progressivism at its finest.
49. Assuming that said child would grow up on the streets, uneducated, were it not for the kindness of the Romney’s.
The child was up for adoption for a reason. He is far better off now than he would have been otherwise.
Bosley makes a solid point.
Not realizing that a child of any color would be better off with the Romneys than 99% of the world’s parents.
Looks more like a check list for me..
WE GET IT - you’re so progressive and above it all. Your contempt is nauseating.
You do realize this column is a joke, right?
John Stewart jokes, but deep down we still know he’s a bed wetting liberal.
I’m having a hard time taking your liberal hatred seriously when your profile picture is Teddy “Progressive” Roosevelt.
In that case, list the numbers that are supposed to be funny. Looks like liberal ignorance to me. P.S. white privilege is bullshit.
Ignore the boos, they normally come from the cheap seats
Sitting in the cheap seats PGP
Way to lighten the mood.
Not sorry.
Guilty.
I give 20% 100% of the time. USA! USA! USA!
#47??? This is sick.