April 12, 2016
Dear Dating,
After a long and wildly unsuccessful run, I must inform you that I am officially resigning from the ranks of actively dating singles. While I wish that this was due to the fact that I have received a better offer, such as a three carat sparkler adorning my left hand, it is instead because, in the words of the great oracle Charlotte York from Sex and the City, “I’ve been dating since I was 15, I’m exhausted.”
In lieu of a formal exit interview, let me offer some written feedback. Despite the popular assertion that dating in the current time is easier than ever, I must predicate that this is an egregious misrepresentation on your part. Yes, finding a date is easier due to all of the technological advances available to the currently single. However, it would seem that the actual process of dating is more complicated than it’s ever been, in part due to those same high-tech apps. With the ability to “ghost” or search for alternative options at your fingertips, I believe that finding an actual relationship with a decent human is in fact more difficult nowadays.
That is not to say that I have not learned things during my experience with you. In fact, I have gained many skills that will be helpful to me in the future, such as:
- How to take a picture that highlights my positive attributes (boobs) while downplaying my negative ones (big butt)
- How to appear to be listening attentively to some dude blather on about God-knows-what while I mentally undress the hotter dude over at the bar
- How to politely say “thank you for the vodka-tonic, but I’m just not interested” in a variety of ways that doesn’t hurt a guy’s feelings too much
Despite these important lessons, please note that this letter also serves as notice of my intent to sue for injuries suffered while participating in your process, such as:
- Carpel tunnel in my left thumb from the constant left and right swiping
- A persistent cramp in my feet from wearing heels on dates in an effort to look sexy
- A permanent loss of brain cells from that one time a guy rambled on about east coast vs. west coast rap for 3 hours and I was trapped because my “emergency phone call” friend forgot to call
- Various mental health issues from the constant over-thinking of when/if he is going to text, what does his text mean, what should I answer back that makes me look interested, but not too interested, etc.
In closing, I must say something I never thought I would: I hope that my mother is right. She always says that Mr. Right will come along when I stop looking. Wish me luck.
Sincerely,
J .
When did “big butt” become a negative attribute?
I like big butts and i can not lie
Phew I was getting worried after reading that
Came to the comments to say this
What are you doing Thursday around 8?
Rooting for you, ED.
I saw an opportunity and had to take it.
Shooters shoot.
Just hoping he doesn’t have ED
Fully operational.
I too have carpal tunnel. It used to ruin things for me until the miracles of science cured my problem.
I’ll preface this by saying I haven’t dated in someone for quite some time but I think this needs to be said for everyone that is. The “emergency call” thing needs to die. Every guy knows that there wasn’t an “emergency”. Its been overdone. Its in movies. We aren’t as dumb as you think. Instead, I offer the first-date-lemon clause. At any time during a first date, either party can get up and walk away with no more explanation than “I’m sorry. This is just never going to work out. Thank you for your time anyway”. And that’s it. No hard feelings. No passive aggressive messages to decode. Just a simple “no”. Everyone will be happier.
Barney Stinson had it right all along!
I’m a little embarrassed to say I must have missed the episode. I refuse to be known as the guy that plagiarizes, even if unintentional.
The above clause belongs to Barney Stinson, a fictional character from How I Met Your Mother. Though I maintain that I thought of the clause independently, Mr. Stinson was the original creator. I apologize to the community for my transgressions.
Since when is a big butt a negative?
Amen
Never give up. Trust your instincts.
Do a barrel roll!
I love everything about this exchange.
Thanks, boss.
I said that this weekend…My next date is tomorrow.
When a girl actually asks you out, you’ve kinda got to say yes.
Girl is thirsty, bro. Let her take a sip.
So is it ok or is it not ok to ask a guy out? I’ve got a lot of conflicting advice from friends on this…
Do it; don’t play games and go after what you want. We’ll be honored and, if we have at least some attraction, will say yes.
I definitely think it’s OK. Right before I graduated college, this girl I was friends with came up to me and simply said, “Since we’re not going to see each other a whole lot, I just wanted to say that if you ever split up with your girlfriend, hit me up.” Two months later, my girlfriend and I went our separate ways, and I ended up calling the girl. It didn’t sound desperate at all to me, it was refreshingly honest.
It’s better than okay. What everyone else said pretty much covers it.
There is nothing worse than wasting a Friday night on yet another mediocre date.
Sup?
With Ruxin, you are guaranteed a terrific lady day every 2.5 months.
The best thing to say to a girl who just asked you out is “No thanks because I already have you penciled in for this coming Saturday, you just didn’t know it yet” and then she’ll want to make secks because you’re a cleverly spontaneous risk taker with confidence and a can do attitude.
I haven’t dated anyone for a year. The good news is you can focus on goals, like buying a house with a back yard so you can own a dog. AKA not dying alone. Don’t worry, you’ll get there.
Up pretty late?
Too real. Single AF. I’m closing on my house in exactly one month and getting a dog in one month and one day.
This was only possible because of all the $ you saved by being single. I’m sure Todd could comment (fantasize) on this..?