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As one of the only members of my family and social circle to move west, I regularly have people telling me they want to come to SF. Not to visit me personally, but instead to explore the city I reside in. While I’m still no expert, I’ve done my fair share of sightseeing over the past three years and can confidently offer my own personal review of each of the more popular things to do in the city by the Bay.
Golden Gate Bridge
Jenna Crowley and I have discussed on Don’t Take It From Us that the GGB along with The Bean are two of the most oversaturated places on social media. Despite what you may think from the Full House opening credits, chances are extremely high that the bridge will be shrouded in cloud coverage due to the city’s infamous microclimates. That being said, you do have to go see it. This is one of the few touristy attractions I’ll say is worth the price of admission (free). Drive across it, rent a bike, hell, even jump off it.
JR’s alternative: Head to Baker Beach to get a view of the bridge from the opposite side of the city. There won’t be as many tourists and it’s a great photo opp. Plus, the beach still has a working artillery battery on it from WWII. If you’re an ammunitions expert, you could fire that thing off into Golden Gate Park and finally rid this city of all the dirty California hippies your dad talks about.
Cable Cars
Solely still in operation due to tourism, these are one of the most overrated things you can do in San Francisco. It’s essentially an open air bus that takes you to two different parts of the city at 8mph and each car is jam-packed with out-of-towners. All of the cable car routes begin in Union Square at the heart of the hotels and touristy bullshit. If you have to ride one (your girlfriend is making you because she wants to take a Boomerang), don’t wait in line with the rest of the mouth-breathers downtown. Grab a bite in Nob Hill on Hyde Street and you should be able to hop on one heading back downtown with no wait or issue.
JR’s alternative: The Cable Car Museum in Nob Hill. I, for one, didn’t really understand how the cable cars worked for the first two years I lived here. In fact, I still don’t. Apparently the cables are running underneath the streets and the cars just clamp on and get dragged? What a world we live in. If that’s the case that would mean that all the cables would have to start somewhere, in a place that has gigantic electrical wheels making the cables move right? Right.
This place is definitely worth checking out - admission is free and you get a real understanding of how it all works. Now if there was just a museum that explained to me how boats float and planes fly, I’d be all set.
Alcatraz
There’s a reason this is the most popular tourist attraction in SF. It’s 100% worthy of the hype. I’ve done it three times now with various people who have come to visit, and each time I forget how insanely eery The Rock is. If you have a choice, don’t go first thing in the morning but instead wait for a late afternoon/dusk tour. The cloud cover will hopefully have burnt off so you can easily view the GGB and SF skyline. The entire prison will be thrown in shadow, making it all the more creepy. However, this shit sells out months in advance, so there’s no getting in or out between June-Oct (the high season). Unless you’re John Mason.
JR’s alternative: No alternative here. If you’re visiting last minute or during the busy months and can’t get a reservation, contact the various bike tours of SF. Usually some of their packages include a ticket to The Rock. These are held separately from the tickets available to the general public directly through Alcatraz. So you stop by the shop, pick up the bike and the ticket and then roll the bike into the Bay.
Mission District
The Mission is where all the “cool” and “eclectic” people hang out. It’s the Brooklyn or Wicker Park of San Francisco. It boasts one of the best restaurant and bar scenes not only in the city but the whole country. And it’s complete trash. People think the homeless people and run-down buildings bring “character” to this overpriced neighborhood. What it really does is keep yuppie scum like myself out.
I’ll pop down there to check out a restaurant, go bar hopping or take a tour of a hardcore porn studio, but I prefer to live in the clean upper class bougie bullshit of the Cow Hollow and Marina neighborhoods. Thank you very much.
JR’s alternative: Oakland. It’s a short BART ride across the Bay and its music and food scene is exploding. Yes, it’s now one of the most expensive places to live due to its proximity to SF and Silicon Valley but the people are homegrown locals who are relatively welcoming and every once in awhile the streets get cleaned up, too. Plus, two thirds of their local sports teams aren’t bad.
Fisherman’s Wharf/Sea Lions
Question: Have you been to Navy Pier in Chicago? Time Square in NYC? If the answer is no to both, consider yourself lucky. Fisherman’s Wharf may be worst of them all. Shop upon shop of colorful T Shirts, snow globes and “I Heart SF” hats. Home to an IHOP, Rainforest Cafe and dozens of west coast seafood chains, the only silver lining to the wharf is the view of Alcatraz. “But I want an Irish coffee at The Buena Vista!” Not worth the wait and shitty service for an overpriced, watered down glass of sludge. Don’t get me started on Ghirardelli Square or the famous Fisherman’s Wharf sea lions. You want to wait in line with the other fat tourists for a hot fudge sundae? Go back to Idaho. And those sea lions are fucking disgusting.
JR’s alternative: Walk around North Beach which is a short trek up the hill from the Wharf. You can do some semi touristy stuff like eat gelato and try to get a table at Tony’s Pizzeria. Seriously, fuck the Wharf.
Lombard Street
Spoiler alert. It’s a normal east to west road that gets really windy and steep for one block. It’s normally backed up with a line of cars full of idiots who want to drive down it, putting dozens of transmissions at risk. The only reason I can think for a level headed human being to want to see this is if at one point they were fans of GTA: San Andreas and remember this being a part of the map.
JR’s alternative: I don’t know man, come to my place I have a bar cart and a rooftop deck.
The Oldest Chinatown
The entrance to Chinatown is called “Dragon’s Gate” and it’s home to miles and miles of shops, markets and temples located along Grant Avenue, the oldest street in the city. You can definitely stop here for some exotic food or a cheap massage, but be warned this is the dirtiest place in an already filthy city. I used to take the bus to work through Chinatown and every time I would emerge it felt like somebody had coughed directly into my open mouth. And the characters you see are one in a million.
Avoid this area at all cost unless you want your shoes to get spit on and you have a strong desire to burn the clothes you’re wearing.
JR’s alternative: I’ve run out of suggestions. At this point, I mean weed is legal and we have some of the best Mexican food in the country. Just visit SF. It’s overpriced and ridiculous, but you’re guaranteed to have a good time..
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This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley and I debut a brand new segment called Nothin’ But A Good Thang! We also grade two Bumble profiles and discuss ways to spice up a stagnant sex life. We also dive into the world of dating older women/sugar mommas! If anything, listen to Jenna do the intro to the podcast for the VERY FIRST TIME this week! We’re also holding another 5-Star review contest. The funniest iTunes 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode! Enjoy!
Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!
Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram here for a first look at the dating profiles we’re grading and all sorts of content throughout the week!
Image via Benny Marty / Shutterstock.com
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@johnnyjhickey
I wanna use this comment section to PROUDLY say that houston is already on its way to recovery and a bounce back to make the greatest city in the country even greater. Thanks to all the PGPers far and wide that sent their prayers, money, and/or time to this city. If you’re still looking to help JJ Watt has the best charity going, along with the Res Cross. You can also contact me, email in my bio, and I can point you in the right direction to donate or volunteer. Again, thanks for any time, money, good vibes sent our way. To my fellow Houston PGPers, let’s all stand strong and bring this city back with pride never seen before. God bless Texas, forever.
30 minute wait in line to drop of goods at BBVA Stadium this morning. It was incredible to see all the donated goods and volunteers.
It’s amazing man. I had to make a run to Dallas Monday to pick up the fiancé since she couldn’t fly into Houston but needed to be at the hospital and it was insane how many fire departments, police, and random citizens were hauling ass south to help out. Y’all stay safe out there.
I’d love to see this breakdown of other touristy cities. Chicago, D.C., Nola, Austin, Seattle, Nashville, etc
Will gladly try my hand at Nashville
As a Seattle native, I could give a solid take on the city but it has been played out quite a bit.
Ditto. Also, any other Seattle area (I’m out on the Kitsap Peninsula, so not really a Seattleite) PGP’ers on here? I feel like a meet up is in order.
Hellooooo
Hit my twitter and lets get this ball rolling.
Wait, are you telling me that all the cool shit in Seattle isn’t by Pike Place or the Space Needle?!?
I’m going to Seattle in 2 months and have no idea what to do. Plz help!
Depends what you like but for a typical Post Grad I would say go downtown for a day and walk around, Pike Place is a good stroll through (but stroll through, it’s a glorified farmer’s market). Stopping by the Space Needle is fun but a great alternative is the Columbia Tower Sky Deck, tallest building in the city, no lines, 360 degree view of the entire city/Lake Washington/Puget Sound, and waaaaaaay less expensive than the Needle. Bars wise, Cap Hill/Ballard/Fremont are all excellent areas, can’t really go too wrong with a bar in those areas (I’m bias toward Ballard, more chill vibe). Alki is a great place to see the city from a distance that is close (also Spud’s Fish and Chips started in early 1900s and is killer). Finally, find a cool concert or game in town, Seattle fans of any sport/concert are passionate and gives a good vibe of the locals. Also for a nicer, not break the bank dinner, check out Ray’s Boathouse, great brunch/dinner and views of the Olympic Mountains.
Thanks friends!!
Fuckin Ray’s Boathouse.
You sir deserve a toast.
Plenty to do here. I will say Pike Place is pretty awesome but make sure to get there early in the morning to avoid the crowd and to get the best pick of produce and seafood. Other than that, if you’re looking to eat and drink well, which Seattle does better than many cities (IMO) I would hang out in Ballard, Fremont, or Capital Hill and just soak it all in. Seattle is very laid back city so don’t expect a crazy party vibe like New Orleans, LA, Miami, etc. Also, rent a car and drive out to Mt. Rainier or the various hiking spots in the Cascades and Olympics.
I can take a stab at Seattle and NOLA
You have to provide alternatives other than “do a bunch of drugs and discuss how corporations control the world” though. Can you handle it?
Yeah most def
Coming from an SF local, agreed with most of what you wrote. For people going to Oakland: stay near Lake Merritt/Jack London square and stay the fuck out of East Oakland.
Also, while in SF, check out the west side of the city. Lots of stuff to see, do and eat here. We have Golden Gate Park, amazing restaurants - come have some solid Chinese food that isn’t overpriced tourist trash that you’ll find in Chinatown and visit Little Russia and party with us Russians like it’s 1991 and the Berlin Wall just fell - and Ocean Beach/Sutro Baths ruins are always fascinating. Also the Academy of Sciences is one of the greatest museums ever if you’re a science nerd.
Just be sure to bring a jacket since this area rarely gets sunshine: it’s currently 58 degrees and foggy outside my apartment.
1989* Got my fall of Berlin Wall and break-up of Soviet Union years confused there.
“Live, laugh, love!” - George Orwell
Bay Area resident here, gotta go to little Italy & try the locally made gelato. A M A Z I N G
Little Italy? You mean North Beach? I’ve literally never heard it called Little Italy.
If I ever go to SF I’m going to Fisherman’s Wharf just for the Rainforest Cafe. That was one of my favorite places as a kid and haven’t been to one since they closed the one in the mall by my house in the early 2000s.
Definitely skip Buena Vista. The best Irish Coffee in town can be found at the Marina Lounge on Chestnut. Close to Marina Green and Chrissy Field for views of the bridge, bay, and the Rock. Go see that crap, then head to the bar. Sully makes the best Irish Coffee around and just happens to still curate his own jukebox full of the best tunes around.
As an alternative to Lombard Street: Go see the Lyon street steps or the mosaic stairs in the sunset (16th and Quintana I think). Just as good on the ‘gram and way fewer tourists.
Instead of the traditional Chinatown, check out Clement street and Geary Blvd between Arguello and 12th streets. Just as non-English speaking restaurants and none of the touristy bullshit.
I think an easy alternative to Alcatraz is Angel Island. It’s the Ellis Island of the west so it’s hot as much history as the rock and it’s packed full of turrets and other cool military stuff too. Pack a picnic, take the ferry over there and rent a bike to pal around for a day. It’s never sold out and it’s significantly cheaper than getting an Alcatraz tour ticket.
Another big tourist thing is the Tiki bars around the city, most of them opening during WWII for GIs when they came back from deployment. The Tonga Room is probably the most well known one, but Tradr Sams on 25th and Geary is much less played out. For the price of 1 Mai tai at the Tonga Room ($14) you can get an entire scorpion bowl at Tradr Sams.
JR, how long have you really lived here man?
The tonga room is fantastic! Just kitschy enough, and the drinks are killer. That and top of the mark were my favorites when I visited last. Also the presidio is an underrated area of the city to visit.
I’ve been to SF multiple times and I’ve never had time to go to Alcatraz. Normally only in the city for a few hours before I drive or take the train down to Sacramento. Number 1 thing I still want to do there.
Insider tip: Cafe Sport in North Beach is the best Italian food you can have outside of my grandmother’s kitchen.
Italian Homemade in the North Beach/Russian Hill area has been my favorite Italian food in SF. I’ll have to check out Cafe Sport
Forget the city. Drive north to Muir Beach, Muir Woods, Stinson Beach, Point Reyes, Saucalito, anywhere away from the crowds.
Love that SF is getting some PGP coverage.
Have to disagree with your Buena Vistta take though, I haven’t found another spot in the city that makes Irish Coffee QUITE like the BV. Plus there’s just something about sitting and seeing the ocean liners roll through the bay on a typical foggy SF afternoon. But I do agree that it is airly touristy.