This year, I had a blast for Halloween. I listened to the “Monster Mash” at a Halloween thriller, offended a few folks with my costume, still placed third or fourth (it’s fuzzy) in a random bar costume contest, and ended up eating Peking duck at 3 a.m. with a Long Island in Chinatown adorning ripped pants. Halloween had its time to shine that glorious night and the weeks leading up to it. Then something happened…
As soon as November first rolled around with Halloween’s spooky corpse still warm, the Christmas holiday had begun. The retailers began blasting carols, an army of plastic snowmen and Santas had found themselves at the front lines of Home Depot, and peppermint-laced candy was sitting there next to the candy corn. All without even acknowledging one of my favorite holidays — Thanksgiving.
Before I start going all out on this tinsel-fueled tirade, let me just openly state that I love Christmas. I host a holiday party every year filled with holiday music and Christmas cocktails, meticulously plan a Christmas card, and make sure to donate to the local Toys For Tots (please donate if you can this year — www.toysfortots.org), but there’s a time and place for Christmas… and that’s November 27th to January 2nd.
I ask you all now: where have all the cornucopias gone? The wonderful medley of browns, orange, yellow, and deep red decorations adorning the house while I think about the gravy train that is Thanksgiving coming my way. The joyous feeling that I get when I try to remember previous Thanksgiving Eves but can’t because I was pounding Vegas Bombs being asked, “so what have you been up to?” I’m not ready to give up my assortment of pumpkin desserts, pumpkin beers, hard apple cider, and cornbread stuffing just yet; because in reality, Thanksgiving is the last hoorah and celebration of everything that is fall. So all you basic bitches out there keep rocking the Han Solo look, sharing Instagram pics of the changing foliage, and for god’s sake put down the gingerbread latte and keep going strong with that pumpkin spice. We all know winter is coming but unless we’re talking Game Of Thrones, I’m not celebrating the return of snow.
If we don’t stop this Christmas invasion now and #SaveThanksgiving, who knows what will happen. At this rate, it will play out like a weird Nightmare Before Christmas scene where Halloween and Christmas get blended together in one retail monstrosity with zombie Jesus handing out gifts and candy to the well behaved children and Christmas werewolves feast on the naughty ones. Not long after that Christmas in July will become a literal holiday as we decorate pine trees to celebrate the birth of Jesus in 1776 when he helped America defeat the British for independence with the founding fathers. The same founding fathers that created him through the immaculate conception of Susan B. Anthony, according to Fox News.
In all seriousness, it may not be quite that bad… yet… but I had fun coming up with those visuals for you to help emphasize the ridiculousness that has engulfed one of my favorite holidays, Christmas. But right now a certain holiday desperately needs your help…
*Cue the Sara McLachlan Music*
Every year, thousands of people are forced to endure Christmas earlier and earlier. Holidays like Thanksgiving are forgotten about and suffer as people go about with their lives. With your pledge to #SaveThanksgiving and to hold off on celebrating Christmas until November 27th, you can guarantee that holidays like Thanksgiving will not be forgotten. We will all be able to ensure pumpkin pies are consumed, flannel will be worn, football will be on TV, and a turkey induced food coma will be ensued.
I urge you all not to be a jive Christmas turkey this November. Take life by the giblets and live it up with Thanksgiving Eve and Thanksgiving this year. Have a Friendsgiving, go visit that pumpkin patch for hot cider, and above all keep the Christmas stuff in the basement just a tad longer. Together America, we can #SaveThanksgiving. And when it comes down to Christmas before November 27th, I’ll quote American badass John Wayne on this one: “Whoa Take ‘er easy there, pilgrim.”
If you feel the same way, share this column with #SaveThanksgiving and together we can make a difference.
On a more serious note, while the McLachlan is still pulling at your hearts, let me take a second to ask you to consider donating something to your local food bank or canned food drive this Thanksgiving season. You can find a local one here.
There are a lot of Americans out there who have it harder than Ramen and happy hour hangovers this Thanksgiving. .
Image via Shutterstock
Without Thanksgiving, there would be no Aunt Carol asking when we going to propose to “that nice girlfriend of yours,” while Uncle Carl asks when we are going to “dump that chick and live the sweet life.” That’s not an America I want to live in.
#MakeThanksgivingGreatAgain
#ThanksgivingLivesMatter
This will be my first thanksgiving since my long-time ex and I split up. I’m dreading the questions and comments from my extended family, which will be evenly split between ‘I liked her-what happened?’ And ‘be single as long as you can’…the alcohol will be flowing hard.
“What happened?” Oh she fell off a cliff, she’s dead.
I’m using this. Thanks, Cube.
But of course.
I know exactly the feeling. The only thing worse than the constant questions is your aunt trying to set you up with every “really sweet girl!” (Read: whale) in the tri-state area.
Ugh. Luckily I live in a city where none of my relatives live so I don’t have to go through that. But I can imagine the struggle…
Prayers
The best way to #SaveThanksgiving is to incorporate the #MargLife into Thanksgiving.
For those of you stuck away from your families this year, fear not because Friendsgiving is awesome. No arguments, no expectations, tons of booze, great camaraderie.
Did you just call me a jive turkey?
Do you have Christmas shit up?
I do not but I’m looking forward to some bourbon or Bacardi and nog
Barcardi is gross.
People on November first.
via GIPHY
#Shibbs4Prez
I just got back from the mall (I had to hit up my nearest Payless when realizing I forgot my gym shoes). Christmas trees abound. Every. Single. Store.
What if we had Thanksgiving decorations and attractions the same way? I could sit on John Smith’s lap and tell him what I’m thankful for, the mall entrance would be flanked by giant ears of corn…or better yet, giant turkeys, and people in pilgrims gear would alternatively ring bells for the Salvation Army and do bar crawls.
PS. The below gif is perfect; but I am not sure I am posting it correctly. I accept your “meh”‘s dutifully in advance.
https://33.media.tumblr.com/4bc3dab142ff4b71f685e9bc23da0d0c/tumblr_mwf9fqOk001qzh561o9_r1_250.gif
We do in the Midwest, they’re deer season colors: blaze orange with a side of camo domestic beer cans everywhere, it’s glorious.
I’m slightly worried about your lack of commitment to a profile pic.
Sorry Cube, but Annie had a huge setback earlier this week when she hit a Dodge Ram at about 45mph. When she gets home and someone captures the perfect candid picture of me giving her a huge hug, I will finally have one worth keeping for the long haul (bar another tragedy).
Can’t wait
I’d do a bar crawl, pilgrim.
Big game Sunday night Shibbs, I actually think Birds win.
My happiness depends on it.
The way you took the fear of holiday blending and beautifully stretched it far past its logical conclusion made me want to vote you into public office.
#VoteForShibby A vote for Shibby is a vote for delusional fear mongering rants.
And #Marglife.
My brother hosted his first thanksgiving last year. Best part was his sister in laws boyfriend telling the story about getting hit in the face with a bat while in a fight. “Woke up 2 weeks later in the hospital with 10 staples. Shit was crazy man.” I fuckin love Oklahoma.
Shibby will be the reason that Thanksgiving is saved! Bless you Shib!